Celebrating the Ridiculous

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So, like, what is happening on General Hospital right now?

General Hospital was generally the soap that wasn’t really supernatural — I wasn’t around for when the Cassadines maybe froze the world in the ’80s. Non-soap fans always joke about the ridiculous plots, but for GH, they were always semi-rooted in reality. Like, sure, AJ came back from the dead, but they made an attempt at an explanation.

But all of the sudden there’s all these worlds converging/vampire nonsense, and I’m flummoxed. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek, ha ha joke on how actors soap hop, but now I think it’s an actual thing that is happening! And so we must talk about John McBain’s hair.

Honestly, I am so fickle. When John first came on the show and was all smoking up the screen with Sam I was like, yay! New guy! But now I’m kind of over him. His T-shirts are always weirdly baggy, and his hair … terrible. He flounces it. Not a hero-like move at all.

But please, tell me. When Caleb first emerged on the scene, he had long hair, and John had semi-short hair, so you could tell them apart. It was like when Connie/Kate were still flipping back and forth and Connie would hilariously rip out whatever ‘sophisticated’ ‘do Kate was rocking, even when it included her awkwardly grappling with bobby pins. Snaps to Kelly Sullivan for making that work. Kind of.

So when “Caleb” started killing people, I was like: why can no one tell them apart?! They have different hair! But I went to the tapes yesterday — meaning I stood in front of my TV with my iPhone and took pictures of John and Caleb, we are nothing if not fancy here at Soap Trope — and I’ll be darned if Caleb didn’t get a hair cut in the midst of killing people/taunting my girl Lucy.

Let’s go to the evidence!

Here is Caleb, being all gross, licking blood.

Hair brushed forward, definitely past shoulders.

Hair brushed forward, definitely past shoulders.

And here is John, looking flummoxed. (He looks like this a lot for being an amazing police detective, huh?)

Hair brushed back?

Hair brushed back?

Upon close examination, it looks like they took out Caleb’s ridiculous extensions (so sad) and are just brushing his hair forward and back. Which is hilarious. I mean, what is happening?! Does he have split personalities (how many DID plotlines is too many?) or is Caleb really a vampire?

I’m cool with either, but here’s what: if vampires are a thing on GH, then I see no reason Alan Quartermaine can’t rise from the dead. Maybe the relish is a lifeblood elixir? Call me, Ron! We’ll talk.


Is it any wonder that Lucy Coe is one of my favorite all time General Hospital characters ever?

ImageFrom the General Hospital tumblr.

Here’s the thing, soap operas are filled with predictable, cliché-ridden plots. This is why we love them! We knew the instant Teá and Sam went into labor on the same night that there was going to be a baby switch. Once Duke tossed Jason into the river it was obvious he couldn’t really be Anna’s Duke. We all know Sabrina’s going to get an amazing makeover for the Nurse’s Ball and Patrick’s going to profess his love for her juuuuust as Robin returns/proof that she’s alive resurfaces, depending on Kimberly McCullough’s directorial career. 

I used to think my grandma was a GENIUS because she always knew what would happen next. (Now she gets pissed that I know more than her, thanks to “The Facebook.” My grandma is 93, she doesn’t really get the Internet, she just knows she doesn’t like it.

But this crazy storyline right now, with Spinelli knocking Maxie up after she lost Lulu and Danté’s baby?! I do not even know what is happening right now. I seriously don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean, I figured Maxie would try to pass of the baby as Lulu’s, but iw. (Also iw, having sex, like, one hour after you have a miscarriage? Is that even possible? Why are you making me think about these terrible things, Carlivati?) I saw on Serial Drama that one commenter said maybe Brit, worst doctor in the world, messed up the results, and maybe Maxie hadn’t lost the baby after all. And I thought oh! That sounds good. And I realized I totally have no idea where they’re going with this. 

It’s an unusual feeling for someone who’s been watching the same show for the past 20 years. I’m not sure I like it. You’d better come up with something good, Carlivati.


Look at that hang dog expression. Do not fall for it!

Look at that hang dog expression. Do not fall for it!

Here’s the thing about this trope, it’s also true in real life! (Which is the thing about a lot of tropes, which is how they come to be tropes in the first place. Deep thoughts, man.) Today we tackle: the self-professed asshole. Oh yes, you know him. You’ve probably dated him! I know I have, he’s very charming, I don’t blame us in the slightest.

General Hospital’s Todd Manning has told Carly he’s a bad person countless times. (Seriously, I actually lost count, because he’s said it over and over again for months and months.) He’s not a good guy, he’s not good enough for her, he’s not good enough for anyone. And yet Carly (no prize herself, let’s be honest) totally fell for him. Just like we did that one time back in college. And high school. And when we were 24. But never after that. You tend to wise up to these dudes at some point (one hopes). You must realize that THEY ARE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. Right upfront! They are jerks! They are going to, at some point, treat you like crap. And you can’t get mad, because they told you ahead of time, they warned you, and you did not listen, you silly, silly girl.

And the thing is, they’re kind of right. I mean, of course we have the right to get mad, just because you tell someone you’re a jerk doesn’t actually give you license to act like a jerk, we live in a society, man, there are rules. But at the same time, they have a point, they warned us. And yet, for Carly, for the rest of us, sometimes it’s like waving a red flag in front a of a charging bull. Oh you’re telling me to stay away from you? Self-imposed conflict? SIGN ME UP.

And yet we must learn from the Todd Mannings of the world, ladies, even though Carly never, ever will because she is batshit crazy. The Todds will at some point make out with the ex girlfriend who they’re not really over, or stand you up in the rain (always in the rain), or lie to your face about that baby switch (okay, that’s more likely to happen when you’re a soap opera character). But it’s true and let us take heed: when a dude tells us he’s an asshole, let’s just listen, okay?

(Never mind the fact that once you blow him off he will want you even more. Unless you are at least five years younger, and very blonde and very pretty and very uninterested, it will never work. Learn from my and Carly’s mistakes, dear reader.)