So, like, what is happening on General Hospital right now?

General Hospital was generally the soap that wasn’t really supernatural — I wasn’t around for when the Cassadines maybe froze the world in the ’80s. Non-soap fans always joke about the ridiculous plots, but for GH, they were always semi-rooted in reality. Like, sure, AJ came back from the dead, but they made an attempt at an explanation.

But all of the sudden there’s all these worlds converging/vampire nonsense, and I’m flummoxed. I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek, ha ha joke on how actors soap hop, but now I think it’s an actual thing that is happening! And so we must talk about John McBain’s hair.

Honestly, I am so fickle. When John first came on the show and was all smoking up the screen with Sam I was like, yay! New guy! But now I’m kind of over him. His T-shirts are always weirdly baggy, and his hair … terrible. He flounces it. Not a hero-like move at all.

But please, tell me. When Caleb first emerged on the scene, he had long hair, and John had semi-short hair, so you could tell them apart. It was like when Connie/Kate were still flipping back and forth and Connie would hilariously rip out whatever ‘sophisticated’ ‘do Kate was rocking, even when it included her awkwardly grappling with bobby pins. Snaps to Kelly Sullivan for making that work. Kind of.

So when “Caleb” started killing people, I was like: why can no one tell them apart?! They have different hair! But I went to the tapes yesterday — meaning I stood in front of my TV with my iPhone and took pictures of John and Caleb, we are nothing if not fancy here at Soap Trope — and I’ll be darned if Caleb didn’t get a hair cut in the midst of killing people/taunting my girl Lucy.

Let’s go to the evidence!

Here is Caleb, being all gross, licking blood.

Hair brushed forward, definitely past shoulders.

Hair brushed forward, definitely past shoulders.

And here is John, looking flummoxed. (He looks like this a lot for being an amazing police detective, huh?)

Hair brushed back?

Hair brushed back?

Upon close examination, it looks like they took out Caleb’s ridiculous extensions (so sad) and are just brushing his hair forward and back. Which is hilarious. I mean, what is happening?! Does he have split personalities (how many DID plotlines is too many?) or is Caleb really a vampire?

I’m cool with either, but here’s what: if vampires are a thing on GH, then I see no reason Alan Quartermaine can’t rise from the dead. Maybe the relish is a lifeblood elixir? Call me, Ron! We’ll talk.